Sally's World

Okay, I’m a little mad, and a lot hypocritical.

We are having some building work done to the house at the moment. And me with my irrational need to be in control, offered to source and buy the materials. So over the last couple of days I’ve been to the builders merchants for a whole load of things I never knew existed. I’ve been in my oldest tracksuits, make-up free, with my hair un-brushed as I trotted around the shop, not getting an offer of help from anyone passing by as I tried to drag huge bags of bonding agent onto my un-steerable trolley…I’ve had to almost beg the actual shop workers to help point me in the direction of what I needed. So I’m achy and sore and fed up of building materials.

Today however, I had a couple of appointments, so I had to stop at the builders merchants in between times. So instead of my usual unkempt paint splattered self, I was looking a little different. I was only in jeans, but fitted ones, heels and a blouse, complete with a smart jacket. Not only was my hair brushed, and my lashes were laden with mascara, I was also wearing perfume and a splash of that elusive lipstick I’m always trying to find time for.

So today, I had lots of offers of help. I only needed one or two things, but a total of three men…who didn’t even work there stopped and offered to lift the ‘oh so heavy’ aqua board sealant tape into my trolley. Another man lifted a sheet of board for me, and someone who worked there loaded said items into my car.

And the worst thing of it all I guess is that I let them, I even smiled and thanked them sweetly. Afterwards, I though I should have ranted about how shallow they were, how dare they offer to help me because I looked nice and ignore me when I was looking bedraggled on my last couple of visits. But today, I was actually quite happy to stand back and let these men load my trolley and car. I was glad I didn’t have to get my jacket dusty and in a way felt it served them right for ignoring me last time, even though these were different men, perhaps they were just gentlemanly and would have offered to help regardless of my cleavage and butt hugging jeans….mmmmm!

Did I feed their chauvinistic attitude? On the whole I don’t do the ‘helpless female’ thing. Today, I just didn’t have the energy and went with it.

Is it any wonder that women, on the whole are insecure about their looks. It’s bad enough that we are made to feel inadequate if we are anything bigger than a size ten thanks to most of the celebs we see. But on top everything else we have to do, we have to get out the hair straighteners, eyelash curlers and slap on some make up to feel we’re worth speaking to.

Maybe I’m being oversensitive, is it just human nature to be kinder to more attractive people on a whole. Are we all shallower than we like to think? Regardless or whether we’re happily married or in a relationship, do we enjoy the male attention anyway? Who are we really wearing make-up for? Does our self worth and confidence in our looks depend on a man paying us attention?

Note to self…wear lipstick when buying building materials!

Sal xxxxxxxxxx

After I wrote about Dave yesterday, a few people e-mailed and asked me if I thought that Dave being black and me being white created problems with regards to marriage, family and parenting.

I guess we did meet with a lot of prejudice when we were first together. Still do on some level, but society as a whole is far less concerned with mixed race relationships now I think.

I used to get stereotyped A LOT…… When I was pregnant with our third child, I was at an antenatal appointment with my eldest 2, the midwife asked me if all the children were by the same father, and when I replied in the affirmative she said “oh, well done,” as if it was shocking. I resisted the urge to batter her with the baby heart monitor and said nothing.

I guess there are always going to be issues with any mixed race or religion relationship. But if it’s right, it’s worth the fight. And you really need to not care what other people think. All married couples have differences; the racial ones are just more obvious to the naked eye. No, I don’t know what it was like to experience racism on a daily basis while growing up, but on the same note, Dave has no idea what it was like to be a girl growing up. He’s not experienced sexism in any way either. So we are all different, there are always things that we cannot of experienced in the same way our partner did. But that’s one of the things that makes a relationship interesting.

I for one do not want a husband who is exactly the same as me (we’d kill each other within the week!) And I believe that children of a mixed parentage have the best of both worlds, mine do because they can be enriched in both mine and their dad’s cultures. As long as we have the same values, as long as we want the same things for our children, as long as we love each other…that’s what counts. I guess we’ll just work the rest out as we go along; it’s worked for us so far.

We fall in love with a persons heart and soul, not their skin colour.

And no, don’t worry, two people asked, but I promise I was not offended in any way, if you want to know anything about me, I will answer as openly and honestly as I can (within reason) and after all, its only my opinion, and what I believe. Although it may be different to what anyone else thinks, I am more than happy to share my thoughts with you.

Take care

Sal xxx

Today, I’m going to introduce you to my husband David.

Dave and I met over 20 years ago now, I was working behind the bar in a nightclub as a second job, and he was raving in the worst pair of shorts I’ve ever seen in my life…in his defence though…it was the eighties.

The kids still tease Dave for being stuck in the eighties because he recently bought roller skates in stead of roller blades…and Dave wasn’t too amused when the guy in the shop suggested some matching leg warmers, even though the kids thought it was hilarious.

Dave is laid back compared to my hyper. If we were both as frantic as me, the kids would probably be nervous wrecks. I joke about Dave being so laid back he’s horizontal, and I do on occasion have to check for a pulse…This however does not mean that Dave is not a high achiever. He worked in a job he was unhappy in for years as he’d never realised his dream of becoming a barrister. But when Aaron was busy fighting every day literally for survival, Dave realised he needed to settle less, and do more towards his own dreams. So he went to law school as an external student and got his law degree, and then his masters…all while doing a full time job. He had to give up work to sit the bar, then he got pupilage in a prestigious chambers in 2005.

So after eight years of hard work, Dave was called to the bar and became a fully fledged barrister. He now works in chambers and is a part time lecturer at a law school.

But that’s just a small part of who Dave is. Dave is an incredibly driven and strong person. While we were all falling apart after losing Aaron, he was the one who stood strong and held it all together. I’m not saying he didn’t...or doesn’t have his moments, but luckily they are only when I’m capable of being the strong one.

Dave is even more stubborn than me, even though he would never admit it in a million years. And he has a competitive streak that I have never seen matched. It doesn’t matter if its scrabble, football or a game of snakes and ladders, he the most unbearable winner and the worst loser…

Our children are our lives, and certainly our priority (when we’re not annihilating them at monopoly that is); we are trying to set good and strong examples for them and teach them that anything is achievable. So we work really hard, tell the kids that it’s important to achieve, and to get their education while it’s free!!! If we ever had to total the cost of Dave training late in life we’d probably slip into cardiac arrest!

If I had my choice, Dave and I would spend more quality time together. I know we had a recent weekend in Paris, the first time we’d been away together in 17 years. But in an ideal world, a few more hours to snuggle up on the sofa with a film and a glass of wine would be great.

Sal xxxxxxxxx

I know from your comments that many of you are wondering how I have any time for myself or my marriage. Well, we just make time, not lots of it, its not always possible, but some.

Recently it was my husband, Dave's 40th birthday, and as much as he wanted to pretend it wasn't happening, (he still thinks he's 21! acts like it too mostly!!!)I wanted to mark the occasion in a special way, so I surprised him with a weekend in Paris.

It was a big step for both of us; for me because it was going to be the first time we were going away from the kids in 17 years, and for Dave because we weren't taking a lap top/playsation/widescreen TV/sky sports away with us.

Although I think he was glad to get away from the kids relentless teasing about zimmer frames, denture cream, hip replacements and the amount of grey hairs he was suddenly sprouting. They are ruthless...especially Deion! Deion offered to lend him his wheelchair for the trip, and then took it back as Daddy's middle age spread would mean he'd probably get stuck in it and need to have it surgically removed. Nice!

It was the first time either of us had ever been to Paris, and it was wonderful. We spent some quality time together concentrating on us. It was nice to not have to think about someone else for a change, and great to have someone cook for me instead of the other way round. Of course, after about 12 hours I was missing the kids, and when I rang them to say goodnight, you'd think we'd been away for a month.

But it was a way of recharging our batteries and concentrating on each other for a change. I know its not possible for everyone to do, and I know whole weekends will be few and far between. But it made me realise that we need some time on a regular basis.

After all, I'm not just a Mum, I'm a woman and a wife too. Its easy to forget that when I'm up to my eyeballs in a six loads of washing, school runs, hospital appointments and fixing the brakes on Deions wheelchair!!!

Speak to you soon

Sal x