Sally's World

It is now Dec, and like the last three Decembers I am getting nervous.

It used to be that December was my favourite month of all time, I became a mum on December the 5th, my birthday is the 11th and then of course there's Christmas.

We're big on Christmas, Aaron and I shared a love of all things tacky, if it jiggled, sang, glittered, we had to have it.

So now, I dread December, I don't get to celebrate Aarons birthday, not in the same way, so thinking about enjoying my own birthday a few days later falls flat, and Christmas is not the same without my Aaron.

I make sure we celebrate, and I do smile and love to see the kids faces light up, my fear is that I'm just going through the motions...or is that, in fact what I have to do until it comes naturally.

I just had to write and tell you about a recent experience.

A friend of mine has a distant aunt, they found each other on face book recently. It turns out that this aunt is a medium, a good one, she's been on TV, travelled all over the world doing this, some of her customers are famous people.

While she was talking to my friend, she told her that she could see a little boy, and told her to ask his mum to phone her...nothing else was said.

Well, I did phone, she arranged to phone me back another day at a quiet time...and I'm so glad she did. She knew things, that no-one else knew, she described my house, where I keep a box of Aaron's things, other mundane things he sees me doing. She named the names of his Friend's his favourite uncle, my grandparents...it was pretty special. She knew his favourite toys, teddy, food, games, it was amazing. There is not one thing she said that didn't mean something to me, even if it was confusing for her.

But most of all, the best thing, the thing that was indisputable was... when she described how she had had a mad day, was worn out, so she decided to go to leave me a message saying we would rearrange and go to bed instead...well, apparently she tried but Aaron wouldn't let her, she said he drove her crazy with his incessant 'ring my mum, ring my mum' she said it was like that scene out of Ghost when Patrick Swayze wants Whoopie Goldberg to phone Molly....

Of course, there isn't another person who ever existed as stubborn as Aaron, so this really made me smile. There are times when I feel Aaron, particular moments, and recently Dragon from mysterious creature told me how to contact aaron in dreams...this medium knew all about this and told me not to doubt it.

I feel calmer somehow, less worried that he is lost, or lonely, or not being looked after...and certainly there is no doubt he is with us all....

Big breath in, my heart feels joyful today!

I don't know who wrote this, but it was sent to me by a friend and I wanted to share it.

When I have no one to turn to
And I am feeling kind of low,
When there is no one to talk to
And nowhere I want to go,

I search deep within myself
It is the love inside my heart
That lets me know my Angels are there
Even though we are miles apart.

A smile then appears upon my face
And the sun begins to shine.
I hear a voice, so soft and sweet
Saying, 'Everything will be just fine'

It may seem that I am alone
But I am never by myself at all.
Whenever I need my Angels near
All I have to do is call.

An Angel's love is always true
On that you can depend.
They will always stand behind you
And will always be your friend.

Through darkest hours and brightest days
Our Angel's see us through
They smile when we are happy,
and will cry when we are blue..

Thanks for being my Angel my friend
I will be there for you until the end.

This is a song that always makes me think of Aaron, not just because R.Kelly was his favourite singer, but because the words (especially the chorus) are lovely.....and apt...

"I wish that I could hold you now
I wish that I could touch you now
I wish that I could talk to you
Be with you somehow
I know you're in a better place
Even though I can't see your face
I know you're smiling down on me
Saying everything's okay


And if i make it out this life
I'll see you again someday
I wish, I wish, I wish
I wish, I wish, I wish"

I was walking into the gas station to pay for gas when I heard someone say that a plane had just crashed into one of the twin towers, "Don't be ridiculous" said someone else, so he held out his phone and showed a us a text. The guy behind the counter turned on the TV behind him and we stood and watched as we realised that the lives of millions of people would be changed forever. In the end, no-one moved, no-one payed, we just stood there watching the horror unfold, about twenty of us stood still in shock, even a little boy of about five, stood clinging silently to his mums hand.

The news and TV was nothing but that for weeks, like millions of others, I had nightmares over the footage, the people leaping out of windows put my heart in my mouth, the shock the loss, the dreaded reminder that life is so precious and can be over so quickly. To kiss your husband, wife, daughter, son, off to work and never see them again.

The feeling of being able to do nothing was overwhelming, even for those of us who were thousands of mile away, or didn't know anyone there, the world was united in grief for those who were lost, and those who were left behind. United in anger at the monsters capable of ending so many Innocent lives.

It really was the day the world stood still!

Aaron passed away three years ago now…3 years, two months and eight days to be exact.

So imagine how I felt when I got a lovely big letter through the post, in Aaron’s name, with leaflets and brochures about the adult learning centres that were available to us, as Aaron would be turning eighteen this year and leaving full time, special needs education.

Now, I expect the odd letter from the dentist/opticians/brochures we prescribed to. ..But call me naive, didn’t really expect them from any kind of government run department.

When Aaron should have turned sixteen I got a letter talking about changes in benefits, and other educational provision, and I rang them up and gave them a bollocking that would have made a sailor blush. So it seems strange they have made the same mistake again.

When Aaron passed away, I rang the benefit people, they had no trouble stopping his benefits, I had an adapted vehicle for him at the time part funded by a special scheme, and within a week of his passing they turned up to collect it, with no regard for the fact that I needed it for Deion too, child benefit, yep, all stopped. And worse thing of all, Aaron’s one to one key worker at school, a lovely girl called Mel, who had (understandably) gotten attached to Aaron, was told the day after he passed away that she was out of a job…with complete disregard for the fact that the poor girl was grieving also.

So they don’t seem to have a problem stopping anything that costs them money, no problem making sure that there is no unnecessary outlay…god no, I had visions of them rubbing their hands together at all the money they were going to save now that Aaron was no longer on their list!!!! Bastards!!!!

So now, am I totally stupid in thinking that somewhere in the governments special needs education system, the very system that deals with education of all kids with special needs, that there is information on Aaron, information with regards to his passing???

I’m incensed, angry beyond words…I know its just a letter, I know these people are more incompetent than a bunch of chimps at a tea party…couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery…yep, I know all this…but the truth is these letters are heartbreaking, they put you back months.

I KNOW you dozy, lazy, incompetent arse holes what Aaron SHOULD be doing…you complete utter useless shits…I KNOW about all the thing I SHOULD be having to arrange for my soon to be eighteen year old son….so thank you so much for the reminder, how kind of you, and how lucky you are that guns are illegal in this country, because if I owned one I just might be tempted to use you all as target practice!!!

Is there a government workers manifesto we know nothing of, something along the lines of
1) clients must be thoroughly ignored at all times
2) when it is impossible to ignore them, they must be treated with complete contempt
3) complete disregard for feelings must be adhered to at all times
4) you must never ever call back when you say you will
5) if you see an opportunity to upset/depress/stress/anger a client, it must be taken, at all times.

How many grieving wives/mothers/sons/daughters have to put up with this????

Wow, I know I'm late for me today...but had 24hr sickness bug from hell....I know I always gripe about needing to lose a few pounds....but this is not the way to do it...feeling a bit wobbly and sorry for myself...maybe thats why todays post not so upbeat..sorry...

I spoke to a friend of mine the other night, her husband has been made redundant and she is worried that they won’t be able to make the mortgage payments and will lose the house. I tried to offer words of comfort, but she said, ‘Sal, unless you’ve been there, you don’t get it.’ And I realised how true that was, when anything happens to us, the world suddenly divides into two halves.

When Aaron passed away, the world suddenly divided, there was mums who had lost sons…and those that hadn’t…all black and white, no in between.

And that is how it is for anyone I think, miscarriages, robbery, rape, losing your home, stress and grief makes us feel separated by the invisible line, and that is what makes it feel so lonely.

After losing my son Aaron I guess I had a need for answers, some sort of affirmation that it didn’t all end with our last breath. But even before that, I have always had a great interest in this type of information and have read dozens of books on the subjects of life after death and after death contact. They’ve ranged from feel good to scientific to wacky, with some truly imaginative theories offered for various experiences.

‘Love beyond life’ is a thoughtful piece of research for anyone wishing to explain a specific experience or just out of curiosity. I like the organisation of the work and the handling of the material. This book presents descriptions of the many experiences that people can have after the passing of a loved one. If you've lost a loved one and are wondering if that "weird" thing that happened to you means you've also lost your mind, you will be comforted to find that you are not only sane, but have lots of company in experiencing the Love Beyond Life of loved ones who have died. If you have not lost a loved one but are searching for answers; this book is also for you. It will make you examine what you already believe and explore new areas of thought.

Definitely worth a read.

I definitely got some piece of mind, I read ‘The Day I Died’ before this, and felt that there was some undeniable and beautiful experiences in that, but this book really depicted that feeling of love living beyond the physical.

Take care

sal xxxx

Thank you everyone for your support, for the messages/cards/e-mails/comments sent in honour of Aaron. I gained so much strength from your words.

I sent a big red heart balloon up to Aaron yesterday (red was his favourite colour).

We had a balloon release on the day we celebrated his life, it was incredible. No-one wore black, and we didn’t have flowers, we had balloons, and seeing literally hundreds of balloons of all his favourite characters, colours and of course dolphins float up into the sky, was breath taking. I’m sure some people though it was a little mad, with his white horse drawn carriage, his casket hand painted with dolphins, everyone in their brightest clothes and craziest hats (another thing he loved…mad hats), and dozens of cars following with balloons hanging out the windows…but he would have loved that. We even finished the night with fireworks, a huge dolphin shaped Aaron which stopped traffic and caused chaos!!! Perfect.

And for those of you who didn’t know Aaron you are right, he is an incredible child, and an amazing spirit.

I don’t know if you all know but I did write a book about Aaron and our lives together, the fights, the struggles, the love, the laughter, the madness!!!

It started off as just me sitting at the computer for hours on end because I couldn't sleep and writing everything down, it was as if I was terrified to forget the tiniest thing about our lives together..and it just grew, and the more people that read it and were inspired, or laughed, the more I realised it was a way of leaving a legacy for Aaron. He taught us so many lessons, there was a chance for him to teach more and more people.

If you would like to know more about Aaron and what we all went through, then please let me know, I’d be more than happy to send you a copy of Aaron’s book. Although it may be hard to get through in places, I can promise it will still inspire, and still make you laugh in places. Aaron’s spirit shines through and really teaches us all something about love and determination!


You can e-mail me through my profile, I look forward to hearing from you.

Here are a few or Aaron's favourite hats...

The Jester (perfect for Aaron)..not everyone can pull off a hat like this!

AH, not quite a hat...but Aaron tried it on for size anyway!

His absolute favourite..Aaron the Viking, this always drew a few looks as cars pulled along side us!

He even fashioned a few of his own!

A more sophisticated look!

Our Angel!

Today is the third anniversary of the day that our angel Aaron passed away.

I have purposely tried to stay extra busy for the last few days, and this is really saying something for someone who’s already so hyper they make coffee nervous!!

I’ve just tried to keep my mind off of the date and the significance of the day. Of course, it doesn’t really work all that well and my heart slams into the pit of my stomach every now and then when my mind wanders back to that moment three years ago, the very moment when I knew we’d lost Aaron and I thought the world would end.

I know we’ve come a very long way in three years. When I think back to the first few days when I had to remind myself to breathe even, then the first few weeks when I couldn’t function or get my clothes on the right way round, and the first few months when I couldn’t shut my eyes because of the image imprinted there, for fear of that first second of waking when the loss hit me all over again, from the nights just sobbing quietly into my pillow so I didn’t wake anyone else…to slowly learning to function, even to smile and eventually laugh….laugh for real, not just putting on a front for the sake of everyone else.

Yes, we’ve all come a huge way, I still have bad days where the longing is so great I can’t catch my breath, but for the most part I cannot help but smile and feel gratitude for Aaron and the amazing time we had together. I doubt as long as I live will I ever meet another person as incredible as Aaron. I have never seen his determination and zest for life matched. How can we regret being part of that!

But it is on days like today, the anniversaries, the birthdays’, Christmas… that those tears are so close to the surface, it is unavoidable. It will probably always be that way.

But even if I knew back then what it was going to be like, even if I knew back then that we would one day lose Aaron, if I knew the pain we’d have to go through, I’d still have done it, and I wouldn’t have done it any differently.

I don’t have a single regret. There are too many years of love, days of fun, too many moments of laughter and madness for us to hold on to, to have any regrets!

How privileged I am to be a mummy to such an incredible boy!!!

As always Aaron, I love you more and more each passing day, I’ll send a special balloon up to heaven for you today, so look out for it.

Mummy xxxxx

The sad loss of David Cameron’s six year old son Ivan has been all over the news and papers since he passed away on Wednesday morning. When I hear something like this I just feel sick, panicky almost. And I guess it’s just because I know what the family has to go through.

Before Aaron passed away, I was always saddened on hearing of someone passing, especially when that person was a child, but I know I didn’t feel it as deeply as I do now.

When Aaron passed away, we were touched, and even surprised by the amount of support we had, and support from strangers too, friends of friends, or people we hardly knew. So many people who had also experienced losing a child were offering their support. It moved us beyond words.

It all makes sense to me now. As a parent who has lost a child, I feel the pain of parents like David and Samantha Cameron. I want to reach out and say something to ease their pain, which is even more bizarre in a way, because, I know for a fact that nothing anyone says at the moment will ease that pain.

I guess all I know is, that although losing a child is the hardest thing they will ever have to go through in their entire lives, it is something they can survive, even though it may not seem like it now. And no, time will not heal, but it will bring them acceptance. They have to accept that their lives will be different, and that their time with their son no less precious just because he is not physically with them now.

I know their will be some feelings of guilt at whether they did enough, gave their son a happy enough life, some anger at the loss, anger that everything else, and everyone else seems to be carrying on a normal life, and certainly some numbness at times, because I think that’s how the body copes, you can’t possibly feel it all at once, because your heart and mind could never take it.

They are now also realising that their loss is a very physical pain, that is something I never knew before, I never knew that the pain in your heart is real, tangible, I always imagined that it was an emotional pain only.

What they will learn with time though, is that their lives have to carry on and grow around the memory of their son. For a long time I felt that in letting go of all the grief and the anger, I was somehow letting go of Aaron. But I know that would be making him crazy as he watched me struggle with that. So all the love and memory, all the special stuff, is all there, life has just grown around it making it less of a focus for us all. I will miss Aaron every minute of every day, I will ache for him at times, I will cry and rant at times too. But I would never go back and change a minute; I can never regret the amazing adventure of our lives together. David, Samantha and their children too will realise this in time, and I hope they get there soon. But grief is not something you can time, or put conditions on, there are no rules, no rights and wrongs.

I have no regrets, and I'm sure Aaron is as proud of us as we are of him. I hope the Camerons' feel the same.

Sleep tight little angel, god bless!

A mixture of emotions for me today. I went to a funeral this afternoon. The mum of one of my close friends passed away just before Christmas. Her name was Sylvia Leigh and I’ve known her for about eleven years.

She was a lovely lady, who adored her family and grandchildren. And somehow Aaron got adopted into that circle too. When we first met her, it was at a children’s birthday party, and as her grandchildren were calling her Nan, Aaron just thought he would to, he used to call her Grandma Leigh, and no-one ever thought it was in the least bit strange.

The first time he met her he went to give her one of his hugs, and as anyone who has ever had one of these hugs knows…its no lovey dovey, light hearted hug we’re talking about, we’re talking full on squeeze you to death, pop out your eyeballs, strangle hold here. “Be careful Aaron,” I warned him….”oh I’m not as fragile as I look,” she said defiantly… “I know, but you’ll see” I said smiling…and he hugged her. Only after she turned a deep shade of purple did she laugh and say “fair enough.”

When we were first fundraising for Aaron, despite being in her eighties, she got stuck in, raised quite a bit of money, even went on the radio to promote our bungee jump. I think perhaps someone forgot to tell her she was getting on a bit. Luckily we talked her out of the jump itself….

So her funeral today was mixed emotions for lots of reasons. Obviously there is some sadness at saying goodbye to old friends, then of course, there’s the knowledge that Aaron has another one of his grandmas’ up there with him…I’m sure they’ll be causing havoc together. The songs were two that make me think of Aaron every single time…’somewhere over the rainbow’ and ‘in the arms of the angels’. Needless to say, I blubbed for England.

And the crematorium service was all a little too close to home. The coffin looked so small; it made me wonder how small Aarons looked! Then one of my godchildren got up to speak about her nan and couldn’t get through it, so her dad had to step in and help her, listening to her sob was heartbreaking. But I kept trying to remind myself that, as I was saying the other day, it is a true measure of how much they love their nan and how loved by her they all are.

I was a little shell shocked afterwards, because I don’t remember that much about that part of Aaron’s funeral, I remember staring at his casket dreading the moment when it would go out of sight. People must have been sobbing all around us then too, I just don’t remember it all that much.

It is the first funeral I have attended since Aaron’s and it was going to be hard. But I wanted to be there, it was important to pay my respects and to be there for my friends and my god children.

So this is me saying rest in peace Grandma Leigh, you will be thought of fondly and often.

p.s. don’t let Aaron talk you into doing anything too mad.

xxxxx

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the lovely e-mails and messages you sent for us all on Friday. Your words were a great comfort to us all. Aaron must be thrilled to know he is widely remembered, sorely missed and touching the hearts of new people all over the world every day. He would expect nothing less of course!

Sal xxxx

This is something I wrote for Aaron In the darkest days after his passing….it really makes me realise how far I have come in three years, so at times when I think I am at stand still, in those times when I think the pain will never ease, this can remind me that I am doing okay, we all are, we are living and laughing and loving. This gives me hope, and I’ve never shared it with anyone before, but because I think it may give someone else in a similar situation hope too, I’m sharing it now…

"I fight my way out of a groggy sleep. I open my eyes and blink in the darkness of the room. It’s still dark outside, but something must have woken me. I can’t hear a sound, but I have a feeling that something isn’t right. I just can’t quite put my finger on it.

Then, suddenly, in a split second, any remnants of peace are shattered as I realise what it is. My heart plummets in my chest, my breathing quickens, and a physical pain shoots through my body.

Then time goes into slow motion.

I pull back the covers and climb out of bed, I run downstairs and into your bedroom. I know I’m running, but it takes forever, I feel like I’m in a dream, a nightmare, running and getting nowhere.

If only it was a dream Aaron.

After an eternity I reach your bed so I can hold you and cuddle you. If I just see one of your special smiles everything will be okay, once I get one of your extra tight hugs everything will be okay, I look in your bed, and I know then that its not going to be okay, because you’re not there, you’re not there snuggled in your cosy bed where you should be.

You really have gone.

I climb into your bed and curl up in your dolphin quilt; I bury my face in your pillow and breathe in your special smell.

And then I sob, because I don’t know how I can learn to live without you Aaron, you defined me in so many ways and you made me who I am. I don’t know what to do, I want to scream with the unfairness of it all. But I know that won’t help, nothing will help, because nothing can bring you back to me.

I cry until my throat is raw and I feel my heart will break, and that’s where I stay until your daddy and your brothers and sister gently shake me awake in the morning.

I can see that they’ve been crying too, because they all miss you as much as I do.

We will love you always our darling Aaron,

Mummy xxxx"

Life is very different to this now, I no longer dread sleep because this is what I have to face in the morning, and Aaron’s room isn’t a shrine. I don’t think that’s what he would have wanted. We will never move on, we will never have closure, or any of those other dreadful cliché’s you hear a million times a day after you lose someone. But we have accepted that Aaron is with us in a different way.

The love doesn’t change, it’s stronger than ever.

xxxx

As I have mentioned already. Aaron would have been seventeen on Friday 5th December. Needless to say this is a rather emotional week for me. So rather than try to skim over it, or stick a bright smile on my face and say everything is fine, as is often the tendency. I have written about it and been as honest as I can.

In that vein, Trojan and I got together yesterday and did our weekly video blog about loss, coping with loss and the importance of remembering those we love. We ran over time, and that is why Trojan split it into two videos rather that edit, it isn't the sort of subject you can cut short.

Everyone who knows Aaron has their own way of remembering him, their own way of wishing him a happy birthday. The same way as we all have a way of remembering those who have passed on.

I know some people find it too painful to remember, and that is fine, there are no right and wrongs, no rule books, and grieving is a completely personal thing.

For me, it is the memories that keep me going, all the good stuff is mixed up in there with the bad stuff, the good memories far outweigh the bad. So for me, remembering Aaron’s smile, and the love in his eyes, his hugs, his cheeky laugh, that’s what makes me carry on, that’s what pushes me on to leave a legacy for him with the t-shirts, the charity and the books.

He will be in the hearts and minds of those who knew him forever, but I am determined that for generations to come, Aaron will be passing on his special love and generous spirit.

He is mummy’s Angel xxxxxxxxxxxxx

As today is World Aids Day Trojan and I were talking about it and what it means to people all around the world. And not just Aids, all terminal illnesses, and how those illnesses affect the family, friends and the carers as well as the sufferer.

So this is a video blog to acknowledge that suffering and to remind people to do all they can. It is too easy to get caught up in our own lives and our own problems, and to be oblivious to the fact that there are people suffering, families grieving and suffering, and in some cases whole communities and countries suffering.

Take care, do all you can,

Sal and Trojan xxx