Sally's World

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Let's see.... where did I put that useless tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Please warn as many women as possible

THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU...... IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOUR MOTHER ... OR TO YOUR SISTER

I was sitting at a local outdoor cafe having lunch by myself and two men came and sat down at my table..... I gave them the death look, but they just casually stayed at my table and wouldn't leave me alone.

I shined up my ring on my married finger, then placed my hand on the table and I hinted to them that I was married and that I was not interested in them.

Luckily for me they got the hint and left, but thankfully the whole thing was captured on the Cafe's camera.

I'm sending you this picture as a warning.............. just in case they try and pick you up too.

Honestly, some men think they are God's gift ............................................

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A friend (used here in the losest sense) sent me this, he thinks he's funny!!!

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, telling me that she had narrowly escaped injury. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing approaching Gatwick because of bad weather.

The CAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to lack of fuel. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the wreckage.

If only I had a case like this....

Little Old Lady in court......

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney:Will you tell us, in your own Words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front Porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the Porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:Why not?

Little Old Lady:It felt good.Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady:He began to rub my breasts.Defence Attorney:Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:Why not?

Little Old Lady:His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:What happened next?

Little Old Lady:Well, by then, I was feeling really 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him'Take me, young man. Take me!'

Defence Attorney:Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:Hell, no! He just yelled,'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

And I certainly wouldn't convict her!!!

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago' the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.

'I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Perhaps its not the kids being left home alone we need to worry about...

A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
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A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
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A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday, then needs an advance on next week’s allowance to pay back the friend on Thursday.
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Someone who can hear a song by Jay-Z played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
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A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a single lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for his/her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he/she doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother (sometimes).

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

KITTENS

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

OMG, this is terrible...but sooo funny!!!

A Joke to make you smile!

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am?"

The woman replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude"

"You must be a mathematician" said the Balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it is my f**king fault."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws''

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break t he silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

I think I'll try this one!