Sally's World

It is now Dec, and like the last three Decembers I am getting nervous.

It used to be that December was my favourite month of all time, I became a mum on December the 5th, my birthday is the 11th and then of course there's Christmas.

We're big on Christmas, Aaron and I shared a love of all things tacky, if it jiggled, sang, glittered, we had to have it.

So now, I dread December, I don't get to celebrate Aarons birthday, not in the same way, so thinking about enjoying my own birthday a few days later falls flat, and Christmas is not the same without my Aaron.

I make sure we celebrate, and I do smile and love to see the kids faces light up, my fear is that I'm just going through the motions...or is that, in fact what I have to do until it comes naturally.

Thank you everyone for your support, for the messages/cards/e-mails/comments sent in honour of Aaron. I gained so much strength from your words.

I sent a big red heart balloon up to Aaron yesterday (red was his favourite colour).

We had a balloon release on the day we celebrated his life, it was incredible. No-one wore black, and we didn’t have flowers, we had balloons, and seeing literally hundreds of balloons of all his favourite characters, colours and of course dolphins float up into the sky, was breath taking. I’m sure some people though it was a little mad, with his white horse drawn carriage, his casket hand painted with dolphins, everyone in their brightest clothes and craziest hats (another thing he loved…mad hats), and dozens of cars following with balloons hanging out the windows…but he would have loved that. We even finished the night with fireworks, a huge dolphin shaped Aaron which stopped traffic and caused chaos!!! Perfect.

And for those of you who didn’t know Aaron you are right, he is an incredible child, and an amazing spirit.

I don’t know if you all know but I did write a book about Aaron and our lives together, the fights, the struggles, the love, the laughter, the madness!!!

It started off as just me sitting at the computer for hours on end because I couldn't sleep and writing everything down, it was as if I was terrified to forget the tiniest thing about our lives together..and it just grew, and the more people that read it and were inspired, or laughed, the more I realised it was a way of leaving a legacy for Aaron. He taught us so many lessons, there was a chance for him to teach more and more people.

If you would like to know more about Aaron and what we all went through, then please let me know, I’d be more than happy to send you a copy of Aaron’s book. Although it may be hard to get through in places, I can promise it will still inspire, and still make you laugh in places. Aaron’s spirit shines through and really teaches us all something about love and determination!


You can e-mail me through my profile, I look forward to hearing from you.

Here are a few or Aaron's favourite hats...

The Jester (perfect for Aaron)..not everyone can pull off a hat like this!

AH, not quite a hat...but Aaron tried it on for size anyway!

His absolute favourite..Aaron the Viking, this always drew a few looks as cars pulled along side us!

He even fashioned a few of his own!

A more sophisticated look!

Our Angel!

Today is the third anniversary of the day that our angel Aaron passed away.

I have purposely tried to stay extra busy for the last few days, and this is really saying something for someone who’s already so hyper they make coffee nervous!!

I’ve just tried to keep my mind off of the date and the significance of the day. Of course, it doesn’t really work all that well and my heart slams into the pit of my stomach every now and then when my mind wanders back to that moment three years ago, the very moment when I knew we’d lost Aaron and I thought the world would end.

I know we’ve come a very long way in three years. When I think back to the first few days when I had to remind myself to breathe even, then the first few weeks when I couldn’t function or get my clothes on the right way round, and the first few months when I couldn’t shut my eyes because of the image imprinted there, for fear of that first second of waking when the loss hit me all over again, from the nights just sobbing quietly into my pillow so I didn’t wake anyone else…to slowly learning to function, even to smile and eventually laugh….laugh for real, not just putting on a front for the sake of everyone else.

Yes, we’ve all come a huge way, I still have bad days where the longing is so great I can’t catch my breath, but for the most part I cannot help but smile and feel gratitude for Aaron and the amazing time we had together. I doubt as long as I live will I ever meet another person as incredible as Aaron. I have never seen his determination and zest for life matched. How can we regret being part of that!

But it is on days like today, the anniversaries, the birthdays’, Christmas… that those tears are so close to the surface, it is unavoidable. It will probably always be that way.

But even if I knew back then what it was going to be like, even if I knew back then that we would one day lose Aaron, if I knew the pain we’d have to go through, I’d still have done it, and I wouldn’t have done it any differently.

I don’t have a single regret. There are too many years of love, days of fun, too many moments of laughter and madness for us to hold on to, to have any regrets!

How privileged I am to be a mummy to such an incredible boy!!!

As always Aaron, I love you more and more each passing day, I’ll send a special balloon up to heaven for you today, so look out for it.

Mummy xxxxx

The sad loss of David Cameron’s six year old son Ivan has been all over the news and papers since he passed away on Wednesday morning. When I hear something like this I just feel sick, panicky almost. And I guess it’s just because I know what the family has to go through.

Before Aaron passed away, I was always saddened on hearing of someone passing, especially when that person was a child, but I know I didn’t feel it as deeply as I do now.

When Aaron passed away, we were touched, and even surprised by the amount of support we had, and support from strangers too, friends of friends, or people we hardly knew. So many people who had also experienced losing a child were offering their support. It moved us beyond words.

It all makes sense to me now. As a parent who has lost a child, I feel the pain of parents like David and Samantha Cameron. I want to reach out and say something to ease their pain, which is even more bizarre in a way, because, I know for a fact that nothing anyone says at the moment will ease that pain.

I guess all I know is, that although losing a child is the hardest thing they will ever have to go through in their entire lives, it is something they can survive, even though it may not seem like it now. And no, time will not heal, but it will bring them acceptance. They have to accept that their lives will be different, and that their time with their son no less precious just because he is not physically with them now.

I know their will be some feelings of guilt at whether they did enough, gave their son a happy enough life, some anger at the loss, anger that everything else, and everyone else seems to be carrying on a normal life, and certainly some numbness at times, because I think that’s how the body copes, you can’t possibly feel it all at once, because your heart and mind could never take it.

They are now also realising that their loss is a very physical pain, that is something I never knew before, I never knew that the pain in your heart is real, tangible, I always imagined that it was an emotional pain only.

What they will learn with time though, is that their lives have to carry on and grow around the memory of their son. For a long time I felt that in letting go of all the grief and the anger, I was somehow letting go of Aaron. But I know that would be making him crazy as he watched me struggle with that. So all the love and memory, all the special stuff, is all there, life has just grown around it making it less of a focus for us all. I will miss Aaron every minute of every day, I will ache for him at times, I will cry and rant at times too. But I would never go back and change a minute; I can never regret the amazing adventure of our lives together. David, Samantha and their children too will realise this in time, and I hope they get there soon. But grief is not something you can time, or put conditions on, there are no rules, no rights and wrongs.

I have no regrets, and I'm sure Aaron is as proud of us as we are of him. I hope the Camerons' feel the same.

Sleep tight little angel, god bless!

Tony Robbins

Something Dave and I did while we were away was to go to an Anthony Robbins seminar. It was brilliant, insightful and exhausting. And it allowed me to let go of some of the guilt I feel over losing Aaron, even though I didn’t know I was carrying it…if that makes any sense.

We went to our first Anthony Robbins seminar a few months after Aaron passed away. I was still at that angry stage of loss and grief when I wanted to punch out complete strangers for looking even slightly happy…because how could anyone be happy, did they not realise that Aaron was gone??? Going to the seminar, helped me let go of some of that anger, and I will be eternally grateful for that. Of course at the time, I didn’t realise there was too much more to it that anger, as that was all encompassing at the time!

I know that motivational speakers, life coaches e.t.c. are not everyone cup of tea, and I respect that. I also believe that whatever will help someone, give someone some peace of mind, some motivation, is a good thing. If I decided that to help with the grief, I wanted to spray myself pink and run around the block naked, there are those that would talk me out of it, laugh even. And those who would ask me what shade of pink I wanted and help me get an even coat as not to embarrass myself with a streaky paint job! I of course would be in the later category for any of my friends.

So while we were talking about life, what drives us, what makes us happy, sad e.t.c. I realised that I had some feelings of guilt about losing Aaron. I guess as a mum I felt that my main job was to keep my children safe. So I also felt like I’d failed because I didn’t do that. Of course any intelligent person knows that at some point in our lives, we will lose someone we love…but intelligence doesn’t come into the grieving process all that much!

I know, I know… using logic, I understand that things were totally out of my control, Aarons condition was nothing I could have done anything about, and I kept on telling myself I did all I could, and I know in my heart that I did, we all did, we kept Aaron fighting as long as he could, I know this in my mind…again, logic, intelligence…of no use to us here!!!

The reality is, is that Aaron still passed away and deep down, I think I should have been able to do something about that.

I know that anyone I know and love, anyone who knows Aaron will be reading this and may be a little surprised. And for that reason, I considered what I was going to write. But the best thing I can do, the most honest thing, the thing that may be able to help anyone else coping with loss, is to just tell it as it is, to put my feeling out there and let you make of them what you will.

For a long time I felt like I had failed Aaron, Dave, the kids in some way by not keeping Aaron safe..here, and in coping with that I began to control everything else in my life, Dave and the kids mainly, but also the housework, the amount of work I did, the writing, the company, the charity. I had to over achieve in every way to satisfy to myself that I wasn’t a failure. I failed in one thing, the most important thing, so I could allow myself another failure, no matter how small. It was a mixture of fear of losing everyone and the need to be in charge, to make myself indispensible, to make sure I was the most important and significant thing…that was my own way of insuring I kept everyone close and safe.

The insomnia, the two hours a night, were in some way a self punishment for me. It was me feeling like I didn’t deserve to get lots of lovely sleep. After all, if I failed Aaron, why would I be sleeping soundly at night? It is really amazing what our subconscious mind talks our body into isn’t it. That’s another reason I never spent time on myself, never allowed myself to relax and just do something for me.

Of course in doing this, not only was it hard to keep up for everyone around me, it wasn’t helping. In fact in acting so possessively, being so shattered, I was shutting off a part of myself to everyone. In my quest not to feel the loss, not to ever have to feel the loss again, I was shutting of the fun, spontaneous part of me that makes me the ‘kick arse’ mum and wife/friend/sister/daughter that I am. (Modest…who me???)

Someone called Alex at the seminar (a grief councillor), gave me the best analogy, it helped me more than I can say and helped me get things into perspective.

I’m going to share it, and if it helps one person in some small way, it will be worth it.

Alex drew me three glass jars, all the same size…each jar depicting my life.
He drew a big red balloon in the first one, completely filling the jar. The red balloon depicted all that is Aaron, his love, his life, the grief…all mixed up together, as it inevitably is. My life as it is now!
In the second jar, he drew a smaller balloon, depicting time passing, the balloon getting smaller.
In the third jar a tiny balloon in the bottom of the jar.
This was exactly what I was afraid off. I had somehow got mixed up, that in feeling the pain and grief less acutely, I was letting all the good stuff go too, that everything about Aaron would diminish.
Then Alex drew me three red balloons in a row, all the same size, all depicting Aaron and all that is Aaron.
Then he drew a jar so the first balloon filled it. My life as it is now!
The second jar was bigger, the third bigger still.
The jars were now depicting MY life and the life of all of us being bigger and richer and more.
Our love and feelings for Aaron and the loss didn’t have to diminish; of course that’s why the balloons were all the same size. Our lives just had to grow around them.

This simple analogy allowed me to foresee a different and better future.

This seems over simple, but it does explain how I feel. I am so terrified that by letting go of the grief, I let go of it all. But I don’t need to, I need to understand that to feel the grief means that I must have loved and been loved fully and undeniably. We all need to know that Aaron and everything that goes with him, the love, the laughter, the adventures, and yes, the grief, stays, it always will, I don’t have to set myself goals of the pain easing, instead I need to embrace life, love, adventures and in doing that, the grief wont be so all consuming.

But I also don’t feel like I have to work to a timescale, live by a set of rules that tell me how to go on with life. Really I just need to let life go on around me, embrace it, and allow myself to feel whatever I need. Feeling grief is what makes us human, if we didn’t care, we didn’t love, we wouldn’t grieve. So I for one am glad I can grieve, because it is the measure of my love.

I have no idea if this makes sense to anyone, if it will help anyone. But it has helped me, Dave and the kids. I guess its how we associate with grief. I will miss Aaron every single day for the rest of my life, but, I will not allow that grief to diminish Aaron’s memory. Aaron would not want me to be miserable, to turn our lives into a military run exercise, rather than the adventure we used to treat it as.

So I learned a lot, whether I wanted to or not. I feel like I and move forward in a different way now, allowing to love and to be loved, allowing the children to grow and let out their own personalities. We are planning our next adventure, and I know Aaron would be very proud; in fact I can almost hearing laughing in my head now (but not in a hearing voices, need to be committed way, I hastily add).

I also have been sleeping six, even seven hours some nights…incredible. I’ll be taking the piss next and having a lay in! and Dave tells me off every time I moan about there really being less hours in the day “poor, poor you,” he whines back at me, “fancy getting some sleep, its terrible.” to which I kindly reply “naff off.” but he has a point.

Well, for anyone who ever has the chance, Anthony Robbins is an experience and a half. It’s not for everyone, but it certainly helped us. So if you want to know more, just ask, I’d be happy to point you in the right direction, even recommend some of his books. He doesn’t sell himself as some mystical guru. He’s just an ordinary guy who has seen a lot, learned a lot and has found some great ways of making people achieve their potential. We’ll be going back and taking as many people with us as we can.

Better go, it must be nap time!!!

Take care

Sal xxxx

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the lovely e-mails and messages you sent for us all on Friday. Your words were a great comfort to us all. Aaron must be thrilled to know he is widely remembered, sorely missed and touching the hearts of new people all over the world every day. He would expect nothing less of course!

Sal xxxx

This is something I wrote for Aaron In the darkest days after his passing….it really makes me realise how far I have come in three years, so at times when I think I am at stand still, in those times when I think the pain will never ease, this can remind me that I am doing okay, we all are, we are living and laughing and loving. This gives me hope, and I’ve never shared it with anyone before, but because I think it may give someone else in a similar situation hope too, I’m sharing it now…

"I fight my way out of a groggy sleep. I open my eyes and blink in the darkness of the room. It’s still dark outside, but something must have woken me. I can’t hear a sound, but I have a feeling that something isn’t right. I just can’t quite put my finger on it.

Then, suddenly, in a split second, any remnants of peace are shattered as I realise what it is. My heart plummets in my chest, my breathing quickens, and a physical pain shoots through my body.

Then time goes into slow motion.

I pull back the covers and climb out of bed, I run downstairs and into your bedroom. I know I’m running, but it takes forever, I feel like I’m in a dream, a nightmare, running and getting nowhere.

If only it was a dream Aaron.

After an eternity I reach your bed so I can hold you and cuddle you. If I just see one of your special smiles everything will be okay, once I get one of your extra tight hugs everything will be okay, I look in your bed, and I know then that its not going to be okay, because you’re not there, you’re not there snuggled in your cosy bed where you should be.

You really have gone.

I climb into your bed and curl up in your dolphin quilt; I bury my face in your pillow and breathe in your special smell.

And then I sob, because I don’t know how I can learn to live without you Aaron, you defined me in so many ways and you made me who I am. I don’t know what to do, I want to scream with the unfairness of it all. But I know that won’t help, nothing will help, because nothing can bring you back to me.

I cry until my throat is raw and I feel my heart will break, and that’s where I stay until your daddy and your brothers and sister gently shake me awake in the morning.

I can see that they’ve been crying too, because they all miss you as much as I do.

We will love you always our darling Aaron,

Mummy xxxx"

Life is very different to this now, I no longer dread sleep because this is what I have to face in the morning, and Aaron’s room isn’t a shrine. I don’t think that’s what he would have wanted. We will never move on, we will never have closure, or any of those other dreadful cliché’s you hear a million times a day after you lose someone. But we have accepted that Aaron is with us in a different way.

The love doesn’t change, it’s stronger than ever.

xxxx

As I have mentioned already. Aaron would have been seventeen on Friday 5th December. Needless to say this is a rather emotional week for me. So rather than try to skim over it, or stick a bright smile on my face and say everything is fine, as is often the tendency. I have written about it and been as honest as I can.

In that vein, Trojan and I got together yesterday and did our weekly video blog about loss, coping with loss and the importance of remembering those we love. We ran over time, and that is why Trojan split it into two videos rather that edit, it isn't the sort of subject you can cut short.

Everyone who knows Aaron has their own way of remembering him, their own way of wishing him a happy birthday. The same way as we all have a way of remembering those who have passed on.

I know some people find it too painful to remember, and that is fine, there are no right and wrongs, no rule books, and grieving is a completely personal thing.

For me, it is the memories that keep me going, all the good stuff is mixed up in there with the bad stuff, the good memories far outweigh the bad. So for me, remembering Aaron’s smile, and the love in his eyes, his hugs, his cheeky laugh, that’s what makes me carry on, that’s what pushes me on to leave a legacy for him with the t-shirts, the charity and the books.

He will be in the hearts and minds of those who knew him forever, but I am determined that for generations to come, Aaron will be passing on his special love and generous spirit.

He is mummy’s Angel xxxxxxxxxxxxx

After Aaron passed away, I found myself sitting for hours at a time going over and over everything in my head; I was trying to remember every moment of his life in the tiniest detail. People thought I was sitting grieving, staring into space, maybe just thinking about the loss, or maybe just crying, letting the tears fall, and sometimes that was the case. But really, I was trying to recall it all, I wanted it all committed to memory so solidly, because I was terrified I was going to forget something, I couldn’t bear to forget the tiniest thing about Aaron and our precious time together.

The more people that came round, the more we spoke about Aaron, and it was then that we realised that not everyone knew everything about Aaron, everyone knew Aaron at different stages of his life, so some people never knew he could walk up until he was seven, some never knew that he was born with a cleft palate, and had to have a tracheotomy to breathe after they repaired it.

So I decided, to write it all down. At first it was just for me, it was therapeutic, it gave me something tangible to hold on to and to do, it’s not like I was sleeping anyway, no matter what the doctor gave me, I couldn’t bear to close my eyes. Maybe because I knew that in that second I woke up, I was going to be oblivious, and then it would hit me like a ton of bricks all over again. So when everyone else was getting their fitful nights sleep, I sat at the computer and wrote, and wrote and wrote…and once it was down on paper, I could stop obsessing about that particular event because it was tangibly on paper.

But the more I wrote, the more I realised how inspirational Aaron is. We all know that, of course, we lived with him; I doubt I will ever meet a stronger or more determined person as long as I live. But I realised that he had so many lessons to teach others too. So it naturally progressed into a book.

I surprised even myself when I remembered everything in so much detail. And one thing I am so grateful for is that we had such a close and intense relationship. Aaron and I were inseparable, and how many mums can say they have that much quality time with their 12/13/14 year old, I know Jordan and Robyn are more independent, they hardly need me at all…but Aaron needed me, and even if at times that was hard, and exhausting, I am so glad now I can’t tell you. It means that we got to cram in far more love and quality time than most mothers and sons do.

The book is not all doom and gloom, honestly, nothing written about Aaron could be. There are some bits that are hard to get through, there are some bits that will undoubtedly make you cry, but you will laugh as much as you cry, I promise. Aaron was a character; he lived life to the max every day, and embodied the meaning of the word love. When you looked at Aaron, you saw the love shine out of him, in his eyes there was just total acceptance, and he was happy just to be with you. A true angel on earth and it’s not just me as his mum that has said that, it has been said by hundreds of people. And anyone who ever got a hug from him with never forget it, mainly because his hugs were like across between the Heimlich manoeuvre and a half nelson…but he meant them, you certainly knew he meant it as the oxygen flow was cut off and your eyeballs started to bulge.

God I miss those hugs the most. I would probably give everything I own for just one more of Aarons hugs. And I would cling on to him and cherish it, because this time I would know it would be the last one. I wonder sometimes if I didn’t cling on enough in that last hug I gave Aaron before he passed away, how was I to know it would be the last one? If I’d of known that I would have clung on and never let go.

I know Aaron book has helped lots of people, many families are gaining hope and strength form Aaron and his amazing character. The book is real and honest and it answers the questions that no-one dared ask me at the time, and since to some extent.

Trojan created a short book trailer yesterday, so if you think this is something for you, then you can find it on www.sallyannestephenson.com, Barnes & Noble or on Amazon.

I hope you enjoy it, I hope Aaron’s strength shines through to you.

Take care

Sal xxx

I'm quite glad the last couple of blogs have been more light hearted in nature, because this one isn't.

Since we've started these blogs I've been getting e-mails asking me about that moment when we knew we'd lost Aaron. And although I've generally been applying these blogs to the e-mails I've been recieving, this is a subject I seem to have avoided. So today I decided to bite the bullet and insert the passage out of Aaron's book which describes that moment.This isn't one for the light hearted among us, so it's completely your choice whether to read on or not.

Sal x

“I was in a perfectly good mood as I walked into Aaron’s room to get my morning cuddle; I was still humming the Postman Pat theme tune that was stuck in my head thanks to Aaron’s three o’clock viewing programming. Aaron was laying on his front asleep, I didn’t think too much of it except to say that he never normally slept on his front, I asked him what he was doing and I rolled him over.

This is an image that will be ingrained in my heart and mind for the rest of my life, Aaron was pale and his breathing shallow, he tried to look at me but he couldn’t seem to open his eyelids properly. I screamed for Dave and screamed for the phone, I dialled 999, I looked at Dave and I could see the fear in his eyes.

The lady on the end of the phone was talking to me, telling me how to do CPR, I was breathing into Aarons mouth for two breaths, then fifteen compressions on his chest, breathe again, fifteen more compressions, it could only have been two minutes but it felt like a lifetime. I thought I could feel a pulse, but it was really weak.

The ambulance people burst in and took over, they put him on the floor and were working on him. We were helpless, staying out of the way because we couldn’t do anything, they were attaching pads to his chest to shock him, they tried to intubate him but couldn’t get the tube down. It was mad, all the equipment, all the bleeping, we were all crying and telling Aaron how much we loved him, how he could do it, he was strong, not to leave us. Somewhere in the middle of it, Dave rang his brother John to come to watch the kids so we could go to the hospital.

The ambulance man picked Aaron up and carried him to the ambulance; I just numbly followed them out, because above all else, I knew that I had to be with him. They were pumping his chest and breathing for him all the way to the hospital. I think I was in a daze by then, this wasn’t real, this wasn’t what Aaron did, he was playing, he’d wake up any minute now, he just wanted a cool ride with the lights flashing.

When we got to the hospital, the back doors were flung open and we all leapt out, then they swung the stretcher and Aaron out and we all hit the pavement running.

We burst into the hospital to a waiting team of doctors, they wanted me to go to a room with a nurse, “No,” I shouted, and they knew I meant it. The doctors were shocking Aarons heart, giving him adrenalin, they were asking about time, I could do nothing but watch them try and save him, where was Dave?, I needed Dave.

Dave walked into the room and I saw Robyn walking behind him, he was saying she wouldn’t let him leave the house without her, she was like that, she had even packed Aaron a little bag, bless her heart. The nurse led Robyn away and I just collapsed in Dave’s arms, the doctors were saying there was nothing more they could do, I could hear someone screaming “NO, NO,” over and over again, then I realised that it was me!

The doctors and nurses all moved away from the bed, I grabbed Aaron and gathered him up in my arms, this couldn’t be right, he just looked like he was sleeping soundly, he was still warm, surely this wasn’t it. How was I ever going to have the strength to let him go? I just clung on to him, Dave one side, me the other, both sobbing, both feeling as helpless as each other, it was just way too awful to contemplate.

The doctors were talking, they needed to take some of Aaron’s blood and urine to help them see exactly what had happened, we said o.k. I gently laid Aaron on the bed and let them put their arms round me to guide me away from him. Then we were led off into a little room, where the nurse was already sitting with Robyn. Robyn stared at me, eyes wide, shaking her head ‘no,’ I sat down and hugged her tight, and she started screaming too. How on earth do you explain this to children, it is harder than you could ever imagine. I kept telling her what a brilliant sister she was; Aaron couldn’t have wished for a better sister.

Dave Rang John and told him to bring the children, they had to say goodbye to their big brother; we knew John would need to see him too. I think then we all just sat there in a state of shock. As we walked out of that room to go back to Aaron, John walked in to the hospital, I threw myself at him, and he was sobbing too, what would we all do without Aaron?

The kid’s looked so little and lost standing there, they had tears running down their faces, us and John too, and I hadn’t a clue what to say. Jordan just kept saying over and over how “he can’t be gone” he kept repeating how he’d only been reading a book to him the day before and couldn’t quite let it all sink in, he wasn’t the only one. Deion looked so little so frightened.”

A couple of people have asked me on earth they are supposed to deal with losing their child. Two were mothers who's children have recently passed away, four were mothers who have children with terminal illnesses.

Well, the truth is, you don't, not all the time. There are no rules about how you react, what you need to do to get through it and there are certainly no time limits. The most overused saying of all time has to be 'time heals everything'. Not true, time just brings acceptance.

After Aaron passed away, I went into denial for a long time, I'd pretend he was at school and he was coming home, I think my heart would have broken if I knew that I would never see him again. So your brain lets little bits in at a time I think, and with time passing, all that happens is that you cannot avoid the inevitable truth.

What I had to do was learn to think differently, I had to realise that I would see Aaron again one day, just not here on earth, and I had to realise that as a child that was part of me, he will always be a part of me. I carry him with me in my heart wherever I go. He was the person who made me who I am today, so how can he not be with me every step I take.

So, no, for me, time hasn't healed and I can't imagine it ever will, I will feel the loss every day for the rest of my life. But it is also that sense of loss that keeps me strong and determined. What I have realised, is that I have had to learn to live with it, accept that I'll have a different life now, but also be grateful that its the life Aaron shaped for me.

You know we never really have to say goodbye, we just carry our child differently to the way we know, and are used to. And we have to realise they are watching over us and will be waiting for us when its our time to go.

So my advice would be; for those who still have their children, live life while you can, appreciate and cherish every moment, make it count. And for those who have lost their children, hang on to your memories and the love you feel, no-one can take those things away. There's no time for regret and recrimination, think of what your child would want for you. I know Aaron would want us happy and laughing...or up to some sort of mischief!

But you do have to find your own way to cope, and sadly no-one can tell you what that is. My way of coping is in all the things I do every day to pass on a legacy for Aaron. I have three children to raise into adulthood, three children looking to me for guidance on how to cope, and I need to set an example for them, create something possitive for them to hang on to. Because, I certianly wasn't the only person who lost Aaron, he is missed by hundreds of people.

We all just shre one common thing, we are all grateful we knew him.

Take care

Sally and Aaron xxxx