Sally's World

Now, you would think that having a paying job (as well as all the other stuff you do, which roughly equates to five jobs anyway...but thats a blog post for another day!) would mean that you would be better off financially.

When you sit down and work out the cost of actually going back to work, decent clothes that aren't elasticated and designed not to show childrens food and mess, shoes that look smart rather than comfy, travel, childcare, and take out for dinner on days when you just havent got to the supermarket or are not home....it means financially you barely break even.

Its actually cheaper to stay home, and then as a bonus you don't have anyone moaning at you because the dry cleaning isn't picked up, or the printers out of ink, or clothes aren't ironed on the right day, or we're out of the right t-bags, or the house is a bomb site.

You can hardly blame parents for staying home can you? It's the cheaper option!

Trojan from Trojan's corner sent me this advert (he probably knew I'd have an opinion lol!) apparently its showing on TV at the moment...I haven't seen it as I don't get to see much TV...but it's interesting...its really lovely on one level i.e. 'A mum is someone that saves for a hat, and spends the money on a cricket bat instead.' We've all done that..well, I'm not a hat person..but you get the gist!

But on the other hand...and maybe I'm being over sensitive here, but is it not a tad sexist...mums use persil, mums wash the clothes, mum cleans up, mums are the only ones who look after and comfort the kids...okay so at one point she makes her son wash a shirt...big deal, he wastes so much washing powder, she probably wishes she did it herself anyway...yes persil has been going for 100 years, and it seems that a woman's role hasn't changed in the eyes of society for roughly the same amount of time...

And if mums are as tough (yet gentle) as the adverts suggests, why don't they give their husbands and children a gentle kick up the arse and tell them to get the bloody persil out and wash their own clothes....not a single dad in the advert you note...probably they are all busy off earning the bacon, while these stay at home mums get on with women's work!

Do you look back and think about your pre child life?

I don’t ever remember a time when I wasn’t a mum, I know I had a whole life before, and I know it was full with family and work and socialising. But I can’t imagine what filled my heart and my time to the capacity that being a parent does.

So many times my mum used to say to me ‘when you’re a mum you’ll understand’ and I do. And I can’t remember myself before.

I can’t imagine waking up and my first thought being me, I can’t imagine going to bed without the kids to kiss goodnight.

Its incredible, and I often wonder who I was back then.

When you look at me what do you see,
A woman, a wife, a mum of four, now a mum of three?
When you look at me what do you see,
A person full of possibility?

When you look me what do you see,
Someone kind, loving, carefree?
When you look at me what do you see,
The inspiration to my children I need to be?

When you look at me what do you see,
Someone who wonders how good she can be?
When you look at me what do you see,
The loving daughter, sister, auntie, friend in me?

When you look at me what do you see,
The writer, the author I aspire to be?
When you look at me what do you see,
Honesty, kindness, generosity?

Of course not, not at all, that’s not what you see,
Tattoos, a black husband, a piercing or three.
A stereotype is what you see,
Of the person who you think is me!

Sally-Anne Stephenson

Some of you may remember that a couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog about how Deion is now at the age where he wants some independence from me. So I contacted Lewisham family and social services to see what was available for him in the way of clubs and activities.

I subsequently when through a three hour appointment which can be described as nothing less than an interrogation. And then we waited to hear.

I got a response on Friday. I had to leave it a couple of days before I wrote the blog, otherwise it certainly wouldn’t have been printable!!!

Apparently Deion is not entitled to any services what so ever. Amazing! The reason is that I am not a single parent and Deion’s dad has a job that pays more than their ‘cut off’ amount.

This made no sense to me, I rang up and questioned what they thought I had asked for. “Deion needs some independent activities,” I said, “I wasn’t asking for money or respite.” (Even though I was under the impression that respite was available for families like ours…no matter!)

So I was told that I have family and friends, so they can take care of Deion if I needed a break…I calmly explained that it wasn’t about me getting a break, the contrary, I am terrible at being away from my kids…but Deion needed some independence for his own growth and personal development.

So even better, they told me to pay for someone to take Deion on activities. After all, his dad works, we must have resources to pay someone.

Oh my god!

Again, its not that simple, we drive a huge bus with a wheelchair lift, only Dave and I are insured to drive it, and its not easy to find wheelchair accessible clubs and activities anyway.

I was offered no advice, except that I could research for clubs... there is a list on the government website, then pay someone to take Deion out, also I would need to hire a wheelchair accessible taxi to take them wherever they needed to go.

Isn’t it wonderful???

Since when were we penalised for being a two parent family? since when did having a job and not receiving benefits mean that our children are penalised?

Deion does attend clubs outside of school, and he is a member of a wheelchair basketball team, but the problem is I have to take him and stay with him and bring him home. He doesn’t want ‘mummy’ dropping him everywhere, he wants to feel like a big boy just like all his friends.

There are a few wheelchair accessible clubs, unfortunately Deion does not take precedence, there is a waiting list and children who need it more are always offered places first.

Okay, so I got angry then, I told them that ALL children need the same social skills, ALL children regardless of how many parents they have or what jobs those parents have need the same skills to develop into adulthood.

But still no-one listened.

And what hurts the most, is that in seventeen years of being a mother of special needs children, it’s the first time I have ever asked for anything for my kids….so isn’t it refreshing that I was basically told to ‘naff off’ and sort it out myself.

What a relief, after all, I would hate to have to change my low opinion of social services at this point!

So once again, Deion has to compromise, I have found some more clubs for him, even a couple where I can leave him with qualified staff. But I will have to drop him off and pick him up an hour or two later. Hardly big amount of independence for him is it??? And yes, I do have friends that would willingly look after Deion for me, but that’s not independence for him either. And like us, most of those family members and friends work and have families of their own also, and are surely entitled to free time themselves.

Social services obviously don’t realise what a big responsibility it is to look after a special needs child, most people we know do not have hoists fitted, changing beds and correct seating facilities for Deion, so it could only mean them travelling here. So its still not a break for Deion, being in his own home while someone looks after him…

Bloody ridiculous, but as usual, we will get on with it. I could just kick myself for even asking in the first place, I should have known better!

Have a great day

Sal xxx