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Monday, 13 April 2009
This is something I wrote for Aaron In the darkest days after his passing….it really makes me realise how far I have come in three years, so at times when I think I am at stand still, in those times when I think the pain will never ease, this can remind me that I am doing okay, we all are, we are living and laughing and loving. This gives me hope, and I think it may give someone else in a similar situation hope too, so I’m sharing it with you…"I fight my way out of a groggy sleep. I open my eyes and blink in the darkness of the room. It’s still dark outside, but something must have woken me. I can’t hear a sound, but I have a feeling that something isn’t right. I just can’t quite put my finger on it.
Then, suddenly any remnants of peace are shattered as I realise what it is. My heart plummets in my chest, my breathing quickens, and a physical pain shoots through my body.
Then time goes into slow motion.
I pull back the covers and climb out of bed, I run downstairs and into your bedroom. I know I’m running, but it takes forever, I feel like I’m in a dream, a nightmare, running and getting nowhere.
If only it was a dream Aaron.
After an eternity I reach your bed so I can hold you and cuddle you. If I just see one of your special smiles everything will be okay, once I get one of your extra tight hugs everything will be okay, I look in your bed, and I know then that its not going to be okay, because you’re not there, you’re not there snuggled in your cosy bed where you should be.
You really have gone.
I climb into your bed and curl up in your dolphin quilt; I bury my face in your pillow and breathe in your special smell.
And then I sob, because I don’t know how I can learn to live without you Aaron, you defined me in so many ways and you made me who I am. I don’t know what to do, I want to scream with the unfairness of it all. But I know that won’t help, nothing will help, because nothing can bring you back to me.
I cry until my throat is raw and I feel my heart will break, and that’s where I stay until your daddy and your brothers and sisters gently shake me awake in the morning.
I can see that they’ve been crying too, because they all miss you as much as I do.
We will love you always our darling Aaron,
Mummy xxxx"
Life is very different to this now, I no longer dread sleep because this is what I have to face in the morning, and Aaron’s room isn’t a shrine. I don’t think that’s what he would have wanted. We will never move on, we will never have closure, or any of those other dreadful cliché’s you hear a million times a day after you lose someone. But we have accepted that Aaron is with us in a different way.
The love doesn’t change, it’s stronger than ever.
xxxx
13 April 2009 at 11:00
I haven't faced this kind of loss. Thank you for sharing your experience openly. I don't think anyone knows how they would respond until and unless it happens to them.
13 April 2009 at 12:50
oh sally
thank you for the glimpse of you at your most authentic.
i dont know that we ever get over this sort of loss- i think we find a place for it in our lives and move on around it.......thank you for sharing Aaron with us, with me- you have touched my heart xxx
Lisa xx
13 April 2009 at 13:13
No great words, just silence to breathe a prayer for you.
13 April 2009 at 13:41
I have no words.....
13 April 2009 at 14:42
Oh, I am speechless. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult the loss of Aaron was for you and your family. I am oh so sorry.
13 April 2009 at 15:18
All I can say is ((HUG))
13 April 2009 at 15:41
What an absolutely gorgeous gorgeous son. I believe that we will all be reunited in heaven. I may be alone in that but I don't care. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you go through. But what a precious gift to be able to share. You shared a beautiful story of your son's life. Thank you for sharing that story with the world.
13 April 2009 at 15:52
Oh, Sally, this is painfully beautiful. I cannot imagine how I would cope with such a loss. But I loved what you said about Aaron's room not being a shrine -- that he wouldn't have wanted that. I so respect how you are honoring *him* more than your own grief. You are an amazing woman, Sally.
13 April 2009 at 16:12
sally. i am awed by the pure love that comes straight from your heart into your words.
thanks.
13 April 2009 at 17:54
Honesty is life's best reward, when you share your experience honestly with other people you will realise the gift you have given to them and yourself. Life is good and life is sacred. Share your world and the world will be better for it.
13 April 2009 at 18:35
That was awesome what you wrote and no the other hand very difficult to read. Glad to hear you have come a long way since then and know that to move on from something like that is not possible but I am sure he would have wanted you to live life to its fullest regardless. He is smiling on you, and happy. :-)
13 April 2009 at 19:52
thank you everyone for your support and comfort, i love feeling that i can share my thoughts and feelings so openly with you all without judgement, it means a great deal to me.
a few of the blogs i follow are going through, or have friends or family members going through something similar to this, so hopefully this post and your wonderful comments will be of help to them too.
love to you all xxxx
13 April 2009 at 19:54
That was a beautiful post. Many cyber hugs being sent to you right now.
13 April 2009 at 20:22
So touching. Thank you for sharing.
13 April 2009 at 23:28
Sally, thank you so much for your kind words on my blog today.
Your post speaks so eloquently to the way grief envelopes us at the time of our loved one's passing. And the baby steps we take each day to continue on in our lives without the people we love so dearly.
Although I have lost loved ones in my life, I don't think I've ever reached the depth of grief that I would have if I ever lost one of my children.
You are an incredibly strong woman. Thank you so much for sharing your Aaron with us.
14 April 2009 at 00:32
I am so sorry you had to experience what is THE most painful kind of loss! Through your posts, I feel like I know Aaron. Your writings about him are so powerful! Hugs!
14 April 2009 at 01:08
That was an incredible look into your grief. I thank you for sharing it. Much love to you.
Joy
14 April 2009 at 02:30
***HUGS***
m
xoxo
14 April 2009 at 03:50
The pain of loosing someone always remains. It doesn't go away, but with time the memories become bitter sweet and not as painful. We never forget...We just reach a point where we accept that this is a part of life. Thank you for sharing something that has been so painful with such openess. Hugssss!
14 April 2009 at 03:59
Beautiful, beautiful post. Your words touched my heart. Thank you for your honesty and candor. I think I know a piece of what you felt having lost a baby daughter myself, though I'm certain the feelings and processings are different for everyone. I feel like you are a friend from faraway. Thank you again!
14 April 2009 at 04:20
What a beautiful, beautiful post.
14 April 2009 at 07:36
Sally
I cannot begin to imagine the depth of your loss but know that my heart goes out to you with prayers and hope.
C
15 April 2009 at 15:32
You are strong. Thank you for sharing that.
Hugs!