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Advice please...
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Recently, I have been asked for advice, and am at a loss what to think and say. I try to be very careful when giving advice, seeing it from both sides and being very clear about it only being one persons opinion.
Does a bully have to realise they are a bully to actually be a bully?
If someone feels intimidated, not of physical violence, but emotionally, anger even, then is it a fact that they are being bullied, or is it possible they just feels bullied.
I don't know if this is making sense actually, but if someone has to adjust their behaviour, for fear of how another person will react, are theybullied?
If the would be bully shows no outward signs that they are behaving in an intimidating manner, even perhaps doesn't think they are...is it still bullying?
This person certainly likes to be in control, certainly can be selfish, but is it a character trait, or a bullying trait???
What would you say if a friend asked you?????
29 July 2009 at 09:30
Imo, if you're feeling intimidated, you're being bullied.
The bully does NOT have to realize it to be it. For example: a child abuser can say they're just disciplining a child, but it's still child abuse if they do harm.
If it repeatedly hurts another person in ANY way, shape, or form, it's a bullying trait.
29 July 2009 at 09:37
HI J.J. Yes, i hadn't thought of that, I guess the intent may not be to bully, but the result is the same.
29 July 2009 at 13:09
I agree. I think that IS bullying. Although if being a bully is an inherant character trait, I think the problem may be harder to solve.
29 July 2009 at 13:49
There are far too many variables in this scenario. Many of which you may never know the answers to. Especially if you are only hearing one side of it.
I agree with J.J. in that, bullying is possible without intent. So then feeling bullied is valid.
I don't know what the laws are on your side of the pond but, let me use this as an example: In sexual harassment cases in the work place, the victim need only feel that they are being harassed. The offender could simply be telling off color jokes to others. Yet if the victim feels the workplace has an uncomfortable atmosphere as a result, then the offender is guilty regardless.
I think bullying can be viewed the same way. It's simply a matter of perception.
29 July 2009 at 13:58
I think Tom explained it well. If a person feels they are being harassed or bullied, then they probably are ... but ... with certain variables that feeling may be over-dramatized.
29 July 2009 at 14:29
I love the parallels to legal issues that this question asks. Tom and JJ. in L.A. said it well and I agree with them. My only stipulation is if the person feeling bullied is acting unreasonable, meaning, if someone else in the same situation wouldn't feel at all bullied, then it may not be bullying.
29 July 2009 at 14:45
Since I don't know all the variables it makes it more difficult. I think sometimes a child who may be bullying may be immulating a behavior that they see as normal without the intent to bully. There are so many things to consider. I know sometimes I can intimidate people sometimes without meaning to because I know my job well and forget to buffer for that fact that they don't. My two cents which probably isn't even worth that much.
29 July 2009 at 16:22
Yes. One is being bullied and emotionally abused if they must adjust what they do to avoid unwanted hurtful behaviour directed towards them, barring that they themselves do not have something going on creating a perception of bullying. However, the end effect is the same.
As for a perpetrator of bullying not getting it? A zillion reasons exist why they don't.
29 July 2009 at 16:33
In my honest opinion I would consider the above bullying. Maybe the possible bully is not necessarily trying to be a bully or realize that they are but it definitely is. Did that make any sense at all?! ha!
29 July 2009 at 16:43
well.. this IS hard- but can it be both character traits and bullying... people can change traits with an effort... so i say it IS bullying but it could also be a trait too... whew...
29 July 2009 at 18:45
This is difficult. If the person feels like they are being bullied then they probably are regardless of whether the bully realizes it or not. Once that individual has to change his or her behavior for fear of what someone else thinks, then they are being bullied.
29 July 2009 at 19:15
thank you all so much, you have all given me so much food for thought. I think if it was children it would be an easier situation, and easier to advise on, it is harder when its adults and it is a situation that can in effect split up a relationship.
I shall definitely talk more to my friend, and ask more questions, i think its safe to say, she has to modify her behaviour quite a bit, she certainly feels intimidated by certain moods and comments, is certainly controlled in some ways.
i guess only she can answer the questions and make the decisions.
but i think i would need to hear how the other person feels/thinks/reasons before actually advising.
of course sometimes people want advice just so you can say what tehy want to hear, but i know that isn't the case here. my friend is genuinely confused and feeling at the end of her tether.
thanks again, you are all great, its not something i can discuss with anyone too close, in case they know who it is, and it will feel like talking behind their backs...
29 July 2009 at 23:04
Yes, I think it's bullying, too.
30 July 2009 at 00:00
I love the new layout, Sally!
30 July 2009 at 23:12
Wow, interesting questions. I actually had a friend that fits these and would ask myself the same questions. I wouldn't call them a bully but they fit the traits. I guess the main question is what can be termed the definition of a bully or is just a broad term that can have many definations? LOL Sorry, I have no answers for any of it, they are just people to be careful of.