Monday, 5 July 2010
Okay, so its now 2 days until Deion goes into hospital for his operation for his gastro tube and his muscle biopsy...he is unfazed, I am a nervous wreck.
The few weeks with the NG tube haven't been as bad as I thought, and like everything else that comes along, its just slotted into Deions life, all of our lives.
I got myself in a bit of a state, so ended up with everything from migraines to ear infections in the fallout.
I know its a basic procedure, I know they do thousands a year...yep, heard it all, "he'll be fine, don't worry"... I get it, I would be saying the same thing to anyone else, problem is, I do worry, its in our make-up as parents, it's mandatory. I hate it, I hate that moment when they put the mask over his face and put him to sleep and tell me I have to leave him with them. His Little eyes looking lost and bewildered as he goes under....I actually have nightmares about it.
Okay, I know Dee is as tough as nails really, he will be fine and they will make sure he's pretty much pain free, and as soon as they call the ward and tell me I can go down to recovery, I'll be fine...the three hours of pacing, biting my nails, pulling my hair out and snapping at anyone in a ten foot radius will be forgotten ...and the second I get to him and see the recognition in his eyes and his arms reaching out for me...I'll relax.
Until then, I will be the bitch from hell, I have turned into a dictator indoors, the clothes are ironed, the meals prepared and frozen, the house spring cleaned,Lists are made... because of course, I refuse to admit that the three adults left in the house would be able to cope and would not actually starve and be forced to wear wrinkled unkempt clothes, without my superior organisational skills...but hey, its how I cope!
I guess it's to do with the fact that ultimately, I have made the decision, and I know I have made it for the right reasons, but if anything goes wrong, if he's in pain, if he hates the tube...guess who I'll blame?
The biopsy results are gonna be hard to wait for, We more than anyone know how life altering those moments the results are read out can be. I'll try not to panic, or dwell or preempt, I can promise to put it out of my mind and not worry until there is something to worry about, but my pants would just burst into flames as it would be a big fat lie...
But one thing at a time.
We will be in for a week then at home for a week, and Deion is strangely looking forward to it and knows he is going to be able to run me ragged, that I will be unable to say no to him for anything...if I so much as hesitate, he will bat those big brown eyes at me and even though I know i'll have been played for a fool...I'll do what he wants anyway!
So wish us luck, I will let you know how he gets on xxxx